Maybe

Maybe it is the fact that I'm listening to Breaking Benjamin, or maybe it is just that I'm in a random emotional mood... but I'm hurting. I'm thinking. Thinking about every serious past relationship I had. Brandon, Mark, and Matt. Everything that went wrong, everything bad that happened was my fault. I was a bitch, I was a liar, I was insecure, I was unfaithful, I was ungrateful, I was... terrible.

How can I even try to see myself happy in the future when every mistake I've ever made since I was 14 comes back to haunt me every time I hear a specific song, or look at a picture... everything I've done... it kills me to think about it.

Most recently... Matt. I planned my whole future around him, every last detail. I could see myself growing up with him, finishing college with him, having kids, and a house, visiting Germany... I wanted it more than anything in the world. I needed it. I don't understand... I don't fucking understand how i managed to throw it all away. I know HOW I did it but I can't bring myself to understand WHY.

He lost all respect for me... he knew it would happen. I've done it before, in other relationships. He doesn't want anything to do with me despite him saying we could be friends. I never wanted to break it off with him... but it was killing me. Life was killing me.

I suddenly don't want to write about this anymore.
I might not press the button, but it I do... whatever.

If you ever read this... know that I always loved you... everything I ever said to you, down to the last day... I meant it. I loved you... probably still do. I can't look at a picture of you, of us, of IT... without breaking down, without feeling a piece of me tear off. I still... I still beat myself over it. I wish it never happened, you never deserved it. You never deserved any of the shit I gave you.

I'm crying.
A terrible end to a good day.

I'm hurting so bad, and it is so hard to hide it.