Of Early Beginnings and Present Times.

I am from Fraggle Rock,
from finger paints and pictures on the fridge.
I am from the tin house in the middle of the woods.
I am from carnations in the garden,
and from the dandelions in the front yard
which always seemed more beautiful to me.

I am from lazy Christmas mornings and a love of words,
from Verna, Alphie, Anita, and Michael.
I am from the lies, the bickering, and the broken promises,
from “Clean your room” and “Leave me alone, I'm tired”.
I am from a religion I once believed in,
from statues of the Virgin Mary that always gave me nightmares.

I’m from Maine , Europe, and Canada,
from snow forts and ice castles.
I’m from a warm kitchen,
from canned soup, spicy chicken, and chocolate cake.
From the addicted, homeless father,
and the stressful, self-blaming mother.

I am from the footsteps
washed away with changing tides,
but that left a deep impression.


Just something I wrote... thought I'd share.

My SallieMae loan was declined, and all because my co-borrower lives in my home country, and I do not. How ridiculous is that? Bastards. So Matt and I are upset because I'm still unable to find anything... though I got my mom's package today, she sent me $700 in American dollars, which is roughly $800 Canadian... Yay! So we are going to cash the check tomorrow and exchange the cash money we have, so I can shop and get some good food and some warmer clothes. I'm excited. Though I have some people I owe money to...

Other than that, its the same old... the university's principle died the other day and today was his funeral. Most classes were cancelled, but those with tests were not. I still had one class but I skipped it, slept in, completely exhausted...

I suppose that's all I have to share. I'm playing WoW, and not tired at all. Just sipping some nice, hot tea... everyone around me is sick, but I am relatively well, despite the high stress levels.

These have been the words of Jan... thanks for reading.

Procrastination, Though I See Hope!

So its a Friday night (though technically its Saturday morning here...) and everyone in the dorms are out drinking and partying at the Chalets, and here I am, bored out of my wits, just playing some WoW, because today is Pirates Day and my little priest is a pirate! Very, very cute.

So, a little update about my loan. I still haven't heard anything back from SallieMae, but I know these things take time and the economy is in turmoil, so I'm not stressing too much about it. The only problem is that I'm completely out of money, and I can't bum off my boyfriend anymore because he's got even less than I do. I talked to a woman from the St. John's campus today and she said that all I have to do is write up a list and approximate cost of all my books and bring it to student services, and she will write me a bursary check to cover it... awesome! Which means that instead of using the money that my mom is sending me on books, I can use it to buy REAL food, and some warmer clothes... and pay back everyone I've borrowed from.

So I'm kind of feeling a little releived, though I still have plenty of reasons to be stressed. Lots of little "what if?" things though, nothing major. I've been procrastinating as far as doing my major assignments goes... its the little ones that I actually can't do. I have next to none of my books, so I can't really do the readings from them, and I hardly know anyone in my classes, so I'm afraid to ask to borrow. I can't wait til I get some money...

I suppose that's all for now. Oh, and I just watched an amazing video of my friend and his buddies dancing to a really lame song... it was epic though. Arr, I be a pirate!

These have been the words of Jan... thanks for reading.

Incoming Aneurism?

Well I'm not going to start this out with anything cute or insightful, I'm pretty much just going to come out and say how I feel: America's economy fucking sucks. My reasoning? Remember that little loan I went to take out back in... hmm, June? Well apparently they've been trying to reach me at HOME (obviously they ignored that I emailed them my NEW number 3 times now), to tell me that they are bankrupt and no longer giving out loans. Well, super! Now what?!

So I had a complete mental breakdown and went to see the student services ladies, both of them, whose jobs are to help international students and to help with loans and financial situations. They both basically looked at me with pitying eyes and said, "Sorry, dear, I wish there were something I could do to help." ... Isn't this your job?! Don't you get paid to HELP people like ME get the money I need to go to your damn school? You're so helpful... sigh.

So when I found Matt I was minutes away from breaking down, after having already told this to three others and being unable to let myself cry from frustration. So while I went into a coma he went online to try and find another loan for me, and we found SallieMae... which I tried a while back but my login was screwy, so we tried it again and it went through, now its pending. Then the fun begins if I get accepted... getting my mom to fax all her personal stuff to me so that I can finalize it and get the final acceptance and eventually my check... again, if I'm even accepted.

I love that boy to death, I really do... I wouldn't be here without him. My RA, Andrew, came to check on him too after Nelson went and told him about my situation, he wanted to help. Sweet, sweet man he is. I must say I love living on this floor... its a shame I have to leave all my new friends next year...

So I'm stable for now, since I'm a floor rep and on council I got to help set up and clean up Game Night tonight, it was great fun. Watching Manny play pPump It Up with others who failed miserably against him, and watching Matt's never ending game of Monopoly... oh, and ultimate Jenga, that was fun... and Gill beat Terry and I at Bingo... good times though.

Sadly, I must leave you with that, now that WoW is working for me. I'm leveling my little priest, she's neat... farewell all, wish me luck.

These have been the words of Jan... thanks for reading.

New Roommate & Unnecessary Stress.

Today is Monday, one of two "easy" days for me during the week, yet oddly enough I find myself feeling overwhelmingly stressed, and for no good reason. I went to my Sociology class and found out that my paper that was going to be due this Friday has been moved to next Monday... okay, that's awesome. Then I went to Earth Systems where I just read the whole class... didn't bother taking notes this time since its all geology. Apparently I have a test coming up... not sure when. I've been working on my english assignment for the last couple days, and as simple as the assignment is, I can't get any more than half of it done, and its due tomorrow. Gah.

And now... I have a roommate. Don't get me wrong, she's a sweet girl... its just that I was just starting to get used to bring able to take as long as I wanted in the bathroom and walking around naked... stuff like that. Also, Matt doesn't want to hang out as much because now there's someone in the room next door... it makes me kind of sad. I miss the emptiness. And it doesn't help that I love the quiet, and her friends aren't exactly a quiet bunch (especially one of them whose neck I would like to tear open). It will certainly be different.

I guess I don't have much to talk about tonight, its just a slow night, filled with my own complaining. I might do laundry since I don't have a raid to do... or I might go chill out in the lounge with my book and read. I could also try to take a stab at my english one more time, we'll see. I'm just feeling overly tired and wanting to take a nice long nap, but I'm sure that won't happen. So, this is goodbye for now.

These have been the words of Jan... thanks for reading.

Chicken Noodle Soup & Happier Memories.

I've got a big cup of "no name" chicken noodle soup and a head full of thoughts, so I thought I would share some since I missed writing last night (had some drinks and walked around campus with Matt, Jenn, and Kurt for quite some time, may talk about that later). I should be out creating some sort of social life, or doing something productive (like homework...), but this just seems... better. So here I am with my giant hand-me-down ceramic mug of "no name" brand chicken noodle soup, just thinking. I've spent the last week or so making new friends, sharing stories and experiences, and it got me noticing a few things. Maybe you've noticed them too while you were all out meeting new people this year.

People always seem to connect over the negative things in life. For example, two people may become friends because they both failed their math test and were walking through the halls moping about it and ran into each other, or maybe people were in the same building when there was a shooting... I don't know, those were crappy examples. Anyway, my point is that people seem to focus more on the negative around them, all of the little bad things that seem to be happening at the time. Does anyone ever think of happy things anymore?

So, back to my mug. I got this mug from Matt's aunt and uncle, because I couldn't afford my own because I'm dirt poor. Usually, someone would just look at the "because I'm dirt poor" part of that sentence and say something like, "Aww, poor Jan, she has no money!" But tonight, I think you should all look at the fact that there are people who are nice enough to give a stranger something of theirs, seeing that she doesn't have it. This old mug and this cheap soup reminds me of happier times, times that I don't always reveal to people when I am ranting and raving about how I have no money, or about how my dad's been in jail my whole life and that my mom is dating an ass hole.

No... This soup reminds me of happier times with my grandmother, before things went bad. I used to go to my Memere Verna and Pepere Paul's house every week when I was very young... they made good money, my grandmother with her ceramics and sewing and baking, my grandfather with his house building, and they usually spoiled me, being their only grandchild within spoiling distance. I remember little things that I miss... little things that make me smile and give me some sort of hope that there is still good to be done, despite how things change...

I remember that my grandmother used to make "Janise Soup" just for me, and I was the only one allowed to have any... she was an amazing cook. She would take tomato sauce and let me add all the different kinds of noodles and spices that I want... testing the taste after I added each ingredient until I thought it was absolutely perfect. Sometimes I would add some bow-tie pasta and a little garlic, other times I would dump every noodle and pasta I could find... every time it was special though, made just how I wanted it to be.

Another thing she would do is let me paint all of the little leftover ceramics that she had... she even set up a space for me to paint, and made me a smock and bought me my own paints and brushes. My grandmother was a perfectionist... every cake she baked, every dress she made, every thing she painted had to be perfect. If there was even the smallest thing wrong, she would give it to me, no matter how long she worked on it. I never saw anything wrong with it... often times, I had a whole chocolate wedding cake to decorate for myself because maybe she almost came close to burning it... I miss times like that. Having things for myself.

So see? Its little things... maybe even one moment in time one year ago or thirty years ago that can take all the bad away for even just a minute, and make you just smile and feel warm... its amazing.

But sadly, I must end this post, for it is time for me to raid Gruul's Lair... yes, I am a nerd.

These have been the words of Jan, thanks for reading.

Mistaken Class Time... Job Blog!

If you read my previous blog you should have seen that I mentioned my class as being at 10:15... well, upon arrival to said class I discovered that if was not 10:15 when I was to be in class, but 11:15 instead! I could have slept another hour (if only...)! So here is my current topic of thought: Finding a job. As I've said before, I'm flat broke. I have exactly $5 to my name until I get anything done with my loans, or get the courage to sell my DVDs and PS2 games. So, I need to find a job.

Only, its a little more difficult than that. You see, being here as an international student is doing more harm than good, despite the various opportunities to learn... about Canada. You see, I have to be a resident here for a minimum of six months in order to work off campus, chich wouldn't be such a big deal if this school weren't the same size as my high school, with about as much to offer job wise as... a place with little jobs to offer. You need some sort of specialty, like being a lifeguard or a fitness instructor, or have some sort of connection with someone higher up to get a good secretary job (if there is such a thing). So what about kids like me? Some impressive work experience (courtesy of the Upward Bound program), but no real "skills" that I could use in a job... unless you count blogging, complaining, and gaming as a skill. In which case, sign me up for the job that requires those skills! But seriously, what is there?

Well, being the insanely anti-social geek that I am, my very first choice was the library. So on day numero uno, I went to the library on campus to get an application, only to discover that I was the 8th person to pick one up... eek? So I slacked off on filling it out and, naturally, by the time I went to hand it in (only 4 days later...) the positions were all filled. Well... shit, now what? I talked to some people and tore down some flyers of people on campus who were looking to hire inexperienced college kids and pay them for whatever mindless task they would have us do... hurray! So after running around yesterday after my classes and getting a printing card set up (which is a whole other rant that I would rather not get into right now), I was able to print off my updated resume and class schedule (after the tech lady wasted 30 cents of mine...) and bring them upstairs to the safety of my room.

Well... sort of. I forgot my keys in my room... so I couldnt get on my floor, and for the first time since I've been here, no one was coming up and down the stairs who could open it for me. Evil. So eventually my boyfriend found me wandering aimlessly and slightly frustrated and let me upstairs. Now... all I have to do is fill them both out before tomorrow at 4:00pm... eh, I'll do it later.

These have been the words of Jan... thanks for reading.

College = Massive Money That I Do Not Have.

So its 9:45 in the morning and I have class in approximately half an hour. I didn't sleep last night. I've been under an unusual amout of stress lately, even for me, and its been taking its toll on me both physically and mentally. Here's my problem: I moved to a country to go to school with the guy that I'm ever-so-madly in love with, and I thought I had it all straightened out... well, I guess technically I did, but now there are issues coming up left and right that are making my stay here in Newfoundland, Canada a little... less than comfortable.

Firstly and most irritatingly, I applied for a private international student loan back in, oh, lets say June. Now, does everyone have a calendar? Do you see the month? That's right, its September! School has been in session for over a week, and do you know what? Still no check. I was "provisionally accepted" back in early/mid July, but since then I've heard next to nothing. See, the problem they are having with me is that they say I never sent them this form and that form, and that they're missing a few things from my application. Wrong. I sent my application in twice by mail, and then faxed them later the "missing" paperwork. They sent me more emails saying they recieved this and that, but were still missing certain things. The same things I sent. That was about 3 weeks ago. Since then, I've been unable to contact them through email, phone, or even on their site. Bullshit much?

Ah, but there is light! About 3 days ago I got an email from someone from their company who informed me that they recently let go about half of their employees, and that was making the loan process... shall we say, excrutiating? I gave her all my new contact information... but I've heard nothing back.

So, secondly. Everything roots from that stupid loan company. I can't afford books, I can't afford food (this school has no meal plan so we have to buy and cook all our own food), I can't afford bottled water (the water here is brown... enough said), and I can't afford a coat or any other clothes (you'd think being from Maine and being able to wear just a sweatshirt year wound would be okay... not in Canada). So I've been geting teachers and faculty to take pity on me, hoping that they will at least give me some sort of a break. Being international, I can't get emergency funding from the school, or good health care in the event that this stress gives me some sort of an aneurism.

One good thing about being broke: The food pantry in student services. Ah, yes. The haven for the poor studentI I went down there yeesterday and was given two nicely-sized bags of food. Pretty good stuff too. Crackers, oatmeal, granola bars, some soups, some microwavable meals... everything a college kid needs!

On that note (being reminded that I am, in fact, in college), I need to leave for class. Hurray Earth Science!

These have been the words of Jan... thanks for reading.