Numbness

<--- I forgot to mention in my previous blog, I re-pierced my eyebrow. I'm not 100% in love with the loop, as soon as it heals I'm putting a stud in.

For now, I've regained a little bit of stability. Last night, I lost it. After nonstop fighting with Colby, I reached my boiling point. I didn't know what to do anymore. He left the apartment without a word, and after a few hours, I couldn't stand the silence or the frustration, so I went for a very, very long walk down the highway in the rain. I didn't really have a destination in mind, and I didn't really care where I was going, but wound up going to Rally's. Got a Double Rally Burger w/ Cheese, just in case you wondering, haha. The girl was very sweet, she pretty much forced a soda on me though, which was fine because I did end up saving money, and I was thirsty anyway.

I also remembered to turn in my application at the gas station up the street, and talked for a few minutes with the attendant, she was the same girl who gave me the application, almost a month ago, and told me they are still hiring and are doing interviews now. She's nice. We talked about insomnia and such things...

About a quarter mile from my apartment (just after I left) a silver van went by me and honked their horn, scaring the hell out of me. He then did a U-turn and pulled over on the other side of the road, asking me if I wanted a ride, the conversation went a little something like this:

Man: Hey, you need a ride?
Me: No thanks, I'm good.
Man: Come on, its cold and raining, hop in.
Me: I'll be okay, I don't have very far to go.
Man: Its not like I'm going to hurt you or anything, I just want you out of the rain. Please?

Now, let me remind you. It is dark and raining, and this is a complete stranger. Why the HELL would you say "I'm not going to hurt you or anything" to someone? Like that is a comforting thing to say AT ALL. Anyway.

Me: No, I'm fine, thank you though.
Man: Are you sure? Last chance?

He's actually slowly following me from the other side of the road at this point.

Me: Positive, have a nice night.

Then he left. That always happens to me on that road. Day or night. What do you think, did he mean well, or was he being creepy?

I was pretty messed up last night, for so many reasons. It is still lingering there, waiting for me to snap... It was pretty much the apex of everything that's been going on with me lately. I had to fight with myself the whole walk. I almost wanted to throw myself in front of every semi that drove by (I counted 6 total). But as you can see, I'm fine. Physically. Kind of. Blah.

Anyway, work tonight from 4:30-11.
I really hope its a good night...

I suppose that's all for now.
Thanks for reading.

J

The Storm

A poem/song I wrote a few years back... Meh.

Behind closed doors
There's no one there to listen
No one there to judge
She closes her eyes
And starts to cry
Outside her walls rages a storm.

She hears their voices
Shouting loud
She screams but she can't get out
Her head is spinning
She's had too much
She's had enough.

Climbing up
The ladder of her life
She's so afraid of falling down
Challenging herself
Saying she'll stand up
But she's too afraid of breaking down.

Behind closed doors
There's no one there to listen
No one there to judge
She closes her eyes
And starts to cry
Outside her walls rages a storm.

Holding onto her heart
She turns the knob
Voices tear into her head
She takes a breath
And another step
Determined to stop it all.

The voice she hears
Is not her own
A new cry that she has never known
Dropping to her knees
She begs and pleads
While inside her heart keeps beating.

Behind closed doors
There's no one there to listen
No one there to judge
She closes her eyes and starts to cry
Outside her walls are clearing skies.

Outside her walls are clearing skies.

Resurrection!

Hellooo Bloggers!

(Before I go any further please excuse any silly typos you come across, half the buttons on Colby's keyboard are semi-broken and need to be pounded on to work... too much gaming!)

Yeah, I'm still alive. For the most part anyway. For those of you who are not my friends, or don't keep up with my Twitter feed (basically you would have had to not glance at it once for the last 5 or 6 months), I am STILL without a computer. This past November I was in the middle of watching a very intense episode of House on Hulu when my computer just... fried. Crackling sound in my headset, white screen of death. I turn it on from time to time just to instill a little hop in my heart, then to dash it all away as soon as the white screen appears. It really is heartbreaking...

I'm accepting donations. ;)

Let's see, what have you missed... I'm still living in the same apartment, only now the lease is up so we're looking for a new place. Kind of. Yep, still with Colby as well. We have our ups and downs, more downs as of late, but we still love each other. I'm still working at Target, no promotion or raise in sight, but I've only been there 7 months. I like my job, its a hell of a lot better than working at McDonalds, but... it is really taxing. Incredibly stressful.

I work my ass off and it never seems to be enough, story of my life, right? I don't know, maybe I'm really bad at my job and I just don't see it, and people are too nice to point it out to me? I'm not sure, but it is taking it is toll on me. I feel like I put too much of myself into everything I do, and I really let my job performance get to me. So, for me to think I'm having a good night and that my zone is coming along nicely... and then to have someone completely shit all over it (not literally...) it really affects me. And I always let it show. They know what they're doing to me.

Anyway, enough about Target. I have today and tomorrow off, and I have no plans at all. I completely revamped my blog, and I'm excited to get back into writing, both blogs and posting my poetry again.

OH, I was writing a novel for NaNoWriMo, but after almost 25,000 words I slowed down, and then all that shit with my computer... so yeah. I still have the whole story mapped out in my head.

(Spoiler alert) If you want to know roughly what my book is about, I suggest you go back a few months on my blog and read about my dream about the androids...

ALSO, you should check out my YouTube channel and watch my Vlogs. Once again, haven't updated in a while, but I'm planning to just do them directly from my digital camera... should be fun.

http://www.youtube.com/user/SteppingStone08?feature=mhum <--- Check ittt.

Well, thanks for reading, back to trolling around Twitter.

;)

J