I don't know, it's complicated.
I feel... fine. Good even.
But I've been thinking a lot about being independant, and growing up. Because most of my "adult" life I've been doing things backwards. Specifically, one example, living with my boyfriend. I moved in with him when I was 19, still a dumb kid. I never really had a chance to be independent, on my own. I never had a chance to figure out who I am, and I still don't know. I'm an adult, yet I have been living solely by other peoples' rules, as if I'm still a child, and it needs to stop. So I've been casually looking for cheap apartments in town. I mentioned this to Colby, and tried to rationalize it, but I don't think he really understands
.
I'm not 100% serious, just weighing my options. Trying. I'm tired of being told that I'm dragging people down. Tired of being complained about. Tired of having everyone feel like I'm taking advantage of them, or that I'm lazy. Because I'm not. I don't know if I can see myself marrying Colby. Maybe some time in the future, but we're just kids. Dumb kids. We don't know what we want out of life yet. Do we?
So if I can't see myself marrying him, then why have I been living here, with him, for the last 3 and a half years? I don't know what I'm saying... just a lot on my mind. It's hard to explain to other people who don't understand or respect you, what you're feeling.
I don't want to break up with him, by any means. I love him. I really do. But one of the reasons our relationship sucks so much sometimes, is because we did it backwards. He's never had time to be independent and be who he is, so he still runs his life as if he lives at home with his overly controling mother, and he projects that onto me. Even though I'm not his child or his sibling, I am his equal. But he doesn't see it. Once again, when I bring it up, it comes off as me being lazy, or something. Which I'm not.
I'm just... different.
So it's not his fault, but he doesn't understand. Even if this all fails miserably, and it's difficult, I want to prove, mainly to myself, but to him and everyone else who has doubted me, that I have what it takes to be on my own, and be independent. To take care of myself. I'm not a child anymore. I want this for myself.
Because if something should happen to him, or if we should break up and I'm forced out... then what? Before I get too old and am ready to settle down and start a family, I want to experience adulthood, and what it means. I don't want to have given up before ever experiencing it. I want to have the excitement of letting my laundry pile up without someone lecturing me.
Hell, I want to be able to VISIT my boyfriend. I haven't visited a boyfriend since I was 15 years old. I've always had one, but was always living with them. I've never missed Colby, or had the chance to miss him. Because he's always been here. Always, all the time. We see too much of each other. So we're 22 years old, and basically a grumpy old married couple. And I don't know if he wants marriage, and I don't know if I do either. So what's the point of trapping ourselves in this miserable state?
Worst case scenario: I move out, we break up, and it's not as messy as if I were living here when it happened. Maybe if we live apart, we'll see that it wasn't working out. Or maybe we'll become closer. I just know... right now, we're both unhappy. And something needs to be done.
It's not enough to have him tell me "Jan get your license." or "Jan get a second job." Because that's not what I want. I am fine not being able to drive. I have nowhere to go.
I want to live by my rules.
We're slowly fixing out individual lives.
He's going back to school in the fall, and I'm looking for another job to get myself back on track financially, but what else can I do? I've been stuck for so long... part of me wants to give up. I just don't know what to do. But if I can land a job or two, where I make enough to live on my own, I want that for myself. My own place. A place for me. To just be me. But on my salary alone right now... I don't know. It'd be tight, but maybe possible.
So... I have options.
I'd just like more wiggle room.
Fuck... I don't know. I don't know what's going on.
I need help. An out maybe? Or maybe just a large sum of money?
I don't know what would fix it at this point.
J
